The Scandals at St. Gertrude the Great

West Chester, Ohio

The Full Documented Story

 

January 19, 2010

Of Truth, the Pastor, and PIZZA!

The Editors

A Recipe for Harmony
If Domino's can do it, why can't Bp. Dolan?  It's all about recognizing you have a problem in the first place.  Once you get past that unpleasant little eye-opener, it's then a question of finding a better formula for success.  Here's one suggestion..

Like jesting Pilate who would not hear the Truth, Bishop Dolan has denied every fact that we have brought forward to prove his wrongdoing and encourage his conversion. Indeed, he has remained resistant to every appeal to reason, decency, and religion. Faced with his hardness of heart, the editors thought that a contemporary parable might induce him to do the right thing.

We suggest Bishop Dolan visit YouTube and view “The Pizza Turnaround” for his lesson. In a nutshell, the video narrates a redemptive tale about Domino’s Pizza, an enterprise that has been around for as long as Bishop Dolan. There we see a chastened and somewhat shamefaced executive and his home-office staff react to the truth that consumers simply do not like the Domino’s product: the crust tastes like cardboard, the sauce like ketchup, and the cheese like nothing in the natural world. The whole team shows lots of contrition, ’fesses up to their faults, and reinvents the recipe from crust to toppings.

Repairing the reputation of Saint Gertrude the Great Church and School will certainly pose a greater challenge than fixing the formula for pizza-crust dough. Still, we’d like to give it a shot. So, for Bishop Dolan, here’s our two-step, easy-to-do recipe for preparing the bread of sincerity and truth to restore peace and harmony to the parish he abused:

     1.   Discard immediately the old leaven by removing the principal and his wife from SGG School.

     2.   Purge the leaven of malice from the school and the church first by sending your associate away and second by resigning the pastorate.